A few years ago I was in line at an ice cream parlor and there was a little girl in front of me, maybe six years old. Her mother had had to pop out of line for a minute and the little girl was left, looking wide-eyed in the freezer case at the many ice cream containers, anticipating her choice. I said something incredibly neutral to her, like, “I think I’m getting that one there. Which one will you get?” And she turned to me, not turning her neck, but her whole little body, and stared wide-eyed and frozen, not saying a word. And then, like a possum, frozen into it’s false death, she determined at some point it was safe to turn, and hastily turned her back to me. When her mom returned, I heard her stage whisper, “Stranger danger!” and nod her little head my way.
“Stranger danger” wasn’t a thing when I was a kid. We were just told not to talk to strangers or people we didn’t know. I think that’s a healthier framework, honestly. A “stranger”–that is to say, anyone you have never met before– is not inherently dangerous. I mean, someone who was a stranger once is now my best friend. Another is my partner, another is a trusted colleague and mentor. Strangers become important people to us, and I am not sure that the convenient pairing of “stranger” and “danger” makes sense, even if it rhymes. Unless you just want your kid to feel scared of everyone they don’t know all the time. And let’s face it, that’s pretty much the whole world.
I think it’s fair to say that the world is getting stranger these days, even as we all try to sink into a “new normal”. There are so many examples of this, as I wrote about last time, but today I’m thinking about something we’ve all done a thousand times. I’m thinking about the simple act of walking around your neighborhood.
In general, I would say I have had a lot more contact with my neighbors these days. I would also say that they have been generally incredibly friendly and open, and I love learning and knowing their names. In fact, quite contrary to the “stranger danger” rhetoric, I have always told my daughter that someone is a stranger until you know their name. Because then they can become a friend.
I love hearing the neighbor kids playing or running outside and walking to my front window to give a wave and have a short exchange. But when walking around out in the world, I’ve noticed that the friendliness is somewhat polarized in a way it wasn’t before. I think the general spectrum of engagement in the pre-COVID days was narrower…ranging from neutral to mildly friendly. I didn’t learn peoples names, but everyone felt, well, normal.
These days, the spectrum is wider. For every one person that meets my eye contact and responds to my “hello”, there are two more who move to a 10 foot radius, avert eye contact, and barely mumble as I greet them. Sometimes I get a fun and unexpected wave. Now, they may be waving AT me, but they may equally be waving me away. Get away, you may carry a deadly virus and I’m freaked out so go. AWAY.
Now this is news to me that the virus can be spread through eye contact. Could this be true? Could the very act of looking at someone jeopardize one’s safety? Now, I’m no infectious disease doc, but I’m pretty sure that unless I am spitting on you while looking at you (and I’m not, people!), that you are safe over there. I am pretty sure that the fear that motivates you to avoid any and all contact is pervasive and disturbing. I am pretty sure that if you could look someone in the eyes and meet theirs with kindness, that you might feel a little better. That that person looking at you may be the universe offering reassurance that at the heart of it, the world is not so very different than it was before.
Because that’s really the heart of it, right there. We all get to make choices to keep ourselves and others safe. But if those choices come at the expense of you feeling part of this world, they may not be the best choices available to you.
Now more than ever, we need to connect in the ways that we can. My nephew is rocking the Xbox and laughing with his friends as he explores the virtual world–ancient and otherwise– through his video games. Many people are enjoying weekly Zoom or Skype check-ins with friends they haven’t been in close contact with for months or years. Some are sitting on their front stoops on a sunny afternoon and strumming ukulele and singing music, as neighbors stand across the street and sit on the grass 10 feet away and enjoy the opportunity to commune (guilty as charged!).
But something more could be happening. We could see a stranger on the street, make eye contact and, if you really want to get jiggy, offer a smile. Because they are “safer at home” like the rest of us. Because their best friend was a stranger once, too. Because in this animal kingdom, smiles disarm people. They indicate there is no threat, and in this case, between two people, with 6 to 10 feet between them, there isn’t.
COVID 19 is terrifying. We can’t see it, can’t predict it, and we are all hiding out from it. I recommend we all continue to do so. Wash your hands, don your masks, but even from behind a mask, you can offer a smile. You can extend warm, kind and loving energy. When you’re walking on the street, you can choose to make eye contact, to connect to the person walking in your direction, even as you move 10 feet away. It’s weird for everyone. Let’s use this opportunity to embrace and acknowledge the weirdness while we extend our humanity. I think it’s the best choice we’ve got.
Stay safe out there, and I’ll see you next week.
Lizzie says
We’ve had more conversations and waves with neighbors in the past month than in the prior three years, and it’s been wonderful to get to know more folks in the neighborhood through our slow strolls and knowing smiles. Feels like we all have more in common these days.
lorelei bonet says
This is absolutely true. I never would have known my neighbors in the same way and feel grateful for this change. It also makes me think of how and why front porches were so important, when life was a little quieter and slower. The front porch was a platform for connection to the community. Thanks for reading!
Marika says
Well, you’ve said so much of what so many of us feel and think every time we walk out into the world, whether it’s a job or trying to go on with daily activities without making it feel too weird, though it really is. I agree though that we don’t have to fear every gesture, nor do we need to be afraid of anyone we don’t know as in daily work or shopping for groceries. Yet we can stay cautious, do what we need to and still go on with our daily lives if we’re not too anxious or afraid to go forward while taking precautions. I’d gladly wave at you or be happy to hear your sweet songs on the ukulele sitting on a stoop. Something I would not see in our area but I agree not to be so fearful that it paralyzes me. Just heed the warnings that we know about and let’s all do our part to stay safe. You, young lady are making it a better world. Let’s all stay safe while not giving in to fear along the way and make your life the best it can be.
lorelei bonet says
Thank you for this, and thanks for reading!
Judy says
Your post reminds me of the saying, “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.” Smiling is infectious is a good way. When we walk around our neighborhood park, we see more people now who want to acknowledge other people with a wave, a smile, and a hello than we did before this crazy time. That brings us smiles~ and hope.
lorelei bonet says
Thank you, Judy.
Melanie says
I love this! The best part of my day is walking in my neighborhood. There is so much pleasure in smiling and greeting people. It’s as if when we smile, we are acknowledging that we are all in this together. I’m so glad you wrote about this. Thank you!
lorelei bonet says
A smile is the greatest gift. Thanks for reading, Melanie.
Ann says
It is so good to read your observations on life today. It certainly takes some re-adjusting to our approaches, but we hope that our genuine interest in others shines
through.
lorelei bonet says
Ann! I am so happy to see you here. I was supposed to be in Ann Arbor this spring, but you know, a world-wide pandemic happened. Next time I’m in the mitten, I would love to see you.
Niloo says
I feel the same way as Melanie, “When we smile, we are acknowledging that we are all in this together.” And you can trust me and we all are going to be OK.
lorelei bonet says
We’re in it, and we’ll get out of it. We’ll be patient and kind to ourselves and to others…it’s the best we can do. Thanks for reading, Niloo!
Patty says
My hope is that this experience will make us all more gentle with one another and aware our shared humanity. I often worry that the fear of touch and close contact will linger way beyond the pandemic and change our relationships forever..
lorelei bonet says
I suspect many changes will echo into the distant future and many will fall by the wayside…too counter to our basic needs/habits to stick around. We’ll find out together, friend.