Last week I wrote about listening to the tiny voice of truth in our hearts, and how that simple action unlocks everything we might aspire to–personal connection, integrity, love, and a way to live our values fully. After I posted it, I sat and thought about what keeps people from living that way. From living truthfully and fully, when we hold the key all along. The answer is simple. The answer is that we are afraid.
I mentioned last week that it takes courage to live fully. To listen to the little voice of your heart when the world around you is telling you something different. So let me start with a personal story.
There was a time in my life where I was in “survival mode”. To the outside world, I looked and acted pretty much the same as I had before, but inside, I was hollowing out. Giving up parts of myself by ounce and pound. The problem was, I didn’t realize it as it was happening. So I acted in ways that were contradictory to the voice of my heart. In fact, I am pretty sure I put duct-tape around my heart and left it to wither in a dark closet somewhere.
I was moving on auto-pilot. I told myself that it was ok. If I could just buy myself a little time to figure it all out, I’d be ok. Everything would be ok.
But the thing was, it wasn’t about time or problem solving. I was seeking a cowardly and concrete solution to a very simple problem. The problem was that I was being driven by fear. I wasn’t honoring my truth, and I was trying to make everyone else happy. I was trying to play all sides of a complex situation, and in so doing, was eroding and compromising the only thing that could save me and bring me back to my life–my own heart and spirit.
I was afraid to hurt people I loved. I lived in fear of losing them. Of losing control, of letting go. But here’s the thing–my fear was causing me to hurt and lose them, anyway. At the time, I likened it to holding the leashes of a half-dozen raging, angry dogs. Giving everything I had to control them and keep them from breaking free and hurting people. At some point, I was too weak to hold on. I couldn’t fight them anymore, and I let go of the leashes–at which point, they sat and looked at me. Calm and eagerly asking me what was next.
I am not going to lie to you here. I did not extricate myself with grace or ease. I broke into what felt like a million little pieces before I could even begin to rebuild. What I did was summon whatever little courage or connection to self that I had and I started being true. I started, little by little, to feel stronger and more me than I ever had before.
And so it is, after much reflection and rebuilding, that I contemplate fear. Fear will always be present, but it isn’t the feeling of fear that defines us. It is what we do with it.
Fear has nothing to do with strength or weakness, rigidity or resilience. Fear is the un-doer of our best selves. It makes the bogeyman real, it turns light into darkness, it undermines and truncates our best selves and everything that is possible. Fear disconnects, overwhelms, alters the texture and dimensions of our hearts in their truest, most loving form.
Fear is the racing away from or defending against what is good. Fear can make us disappear. It can make us hide behind alcohol, food, or other behaviors that simply do not serve us.
It can rationalize anything, convince you that your actions are necessary and even protective. Fear can drive you away from the people and things that most support you and make you feel whole. It doesn’t whisper. It doesn’t ask you to participate or to thoughtfully weigh your options. It tells you that it knows better and it’s gotten you out of other tight spots, and look! Here’s another one it will protect you from.
The Universe will never reward desires or actions born of fear. It just won’t. Because fear is subractive–a black hole to one’s truth. The irony is that truth and love feel so scary sometimes. And so it takes a baseline of courage just to be.
Everyone is afraid sometimes. Some are afraid often. Sometimes there are genuinely scary things happening to us. But it does not have to define you. Hiding won’t help, and neither will giving in. Fear will eat you alive, erode you from the inside out. A little black worm eating up possibility, promise, love and connection.
What I will say is this– even when you feel broken and compromised when scary, sometimes terrifying things are happening, and your heart feels silent under the heavy blanket of fear; you can summon the courage that you have, driven by the knowledge of who you are and what is possible. Sharing how scared you are with those you love diffuses fear. Taking action, standing up and taking a look straight at it is the equivalent of shining the flashlight on the monster under the bed. So let me share with you the emergency rescue kit from fear: honest communications with people you love and trust, lots of hugs, self-compassion, a touch of insight, and remember always to bring the flashlight.