A few years ago I was in line at an ice cream parlor and there was a little girl in front of me, maybe six years old. Her mother had had to pop out of line for a minute and the little girl was left, looking wide-eyed in the freezer case at the many ice cream containers, anticipating her choice. I said something incredibly neutral to her, like, “I think I’m getting that one there. Which one will you get?” And she turned to me, not turning her neck, but her whole little body, and stared wide-eyed and frozen, not saying a word. And then, like a possum, frozen into it’s false death, she determined at some point it was safe to turn, and hastily turned her back to me. When her mom returned, I heard her stage whisper, “Stranger danger!” and nod her little head my way.
“Stranger danger” wasn’t a thing when I was a kid. We were just told not to talk to strangers or people we didn’t know. I think that’s a healthier framework, honestly. A “stranger”–that is to say, anyone you have never met before– is not inherently dangerous. I mean, someone who was a stranger once is now my best friend. Another is my partner, another is a trusted colleague and mentor. Strangers become important people to us, and I am not sure that the convenient pairing of “stranger” and “danger” makes sense, even if it rhymes. Unless you just want your kid to feel scared of everyone they don’t know all the time. And let’s face it, that’s pretty much the whole world.
I think it’s fair to say that the world is getting stranger these days, even as we all try to sink into a “new normal”. There are so many examples of this, as I wrote about last time, but today I’m thinking about something we’ve all done a thousand times. I’m thinking about the simple act of walking around your neighborhood.
In general, I would say I have had a lot more contact with my neighbors these days. I would also say that they have been generally incredibly friendly and open, and I love learning and knowing their names. In fact, quite contrary to the “stranger danger” rhetoric, I have always told my daughter that someone is a stranger until you know their name. Because then they can become a friend.
I love hearing the neighbor kids playing or running outside and walking to my front window to give a wave and have a short exchange. But when walking around out in the world, I’ve noticed that the friendliness is somewhat polarized in a way it wasn’t before. I think the general spectrum of engagement in the pre-COVID days was narrower…ranging from neutral to mildly friendly. I didn’t learn peoples names, but everyone felt, well, normal.
These days, the spectrum is wider. For every one person that meets my eye contact and responds to my “hello”, there are two more who move to a 10 foot radius, avert eye contact, and barely mumble as I greet them. Sometimes I get a fun and unexpected wave. Now, they may be waving AT me, but they may equally be waving me away. Get away, you may carry a deadly virus and I’m freaked out so go. AWAY.
Now this is news to me that the virus can be spread through eye contact. Could this be true? Could the very act of looking at someone jeopardize one’s safety? Now, I’m no infectious disease doc, but I’m pretty sure that unless I am spitting on you while looking at you (and I’m not, people!), that you are safe over there. I am pretty sure that the fear that motivates you to avoid any and all contact is pervasive and disturbing. I am pretty sure that if you could look someone in the eyes and meet theirs with kindness, that you might feel a little better. That that person looking at you may be the universe offering reassurance that at the heart of it, the world is not so very different than it was before.
Because that’s really the heart of it, right there. We all get to make choices to keep ourselves and others safe. But if those choices come at the expense of you feeling part of this world, they may not be the best choices available to you.
Now more than ever, we need to connect in the ways that we can. My nephew is rocking the Xbox and laughing with his friends as he explores the virtual world–ancient and otherwise– through his video games. Many people are enjoying weekly Zoom or Skype check-ins with friends they haven’t been in close contact with for months or years. Some are sitting on their front stoops on a sunny afternoon and strumming ukulele and singing music, as neighbors stand across the street and sit on the grass 10 feet away and enjoy the opportunity to commune (guilty as charged!).
But something more could be happening. We could see a stranger on the street, make eye contact and, if you really want to get jiggy, offer a smile. Because they are “safer at home” like the rest of us. Because their best friend was a stranger once, too. Because in this animal kingdom, smiles disarm people. They indicate there is no threat, and in this case, between two people, with 6 to 10 feet between them, there isn’t.
COVID 19 is terrifying. We can’t see it, can’t predict it, and we are all hiding out from it. I recommend we all continue to do so. Wash your hands, don your masks, but even from behind a mask, you can offer a smile. You can extend warm, kind and loving energy. When you’re walking on the street, you can choose to make eye contact, to connect to the person walking in your direction, even as you move 10 feet away. It’s weird for everyone. Let’s use this opportunity to embrace and acknowledge the weirdness while we extend our humanity. I think it’s the best choice we’ve got.
Stay safe out there, and I’ll see you next week.